Have you ever done something so stupid that you were amazed that you were able to get away with it, without suffering from the repercussions of your actions?

A few years ago while I was attending a local university some friends and I went out to the local house parties and were having a great time. As the night moved forward we kept drinking and drinking until our ideas became very, very stupid. Our blood alcohol levels were well beyond the norm and we possessed a fearless attitude.

At this very moment we could conquer the world and run faster than a cheetah (so we thought). Having the appetite of wild animals we decided hunt for food. After traveling a couple miles on foot we noticed a light appearing in the skyline. Could it be The Northern Lights or some kind of extraterrestrial life form? At this particular moment we didn’t care as long as they had greasy cheeseburgers or pizza. As we continued on our journey we started to realize that what we were visualizing was like the tabernacle of late night dinning, but only the high college student could enter. What we saw was a huge sign that obviously was well lit, and it read Pizza King! We began to salivate and run for the food temple!

After sitting down and looking over the menus we decided that our super human powers (delusions) would allow us to eat and escape without a problem. So we decided that we would eat like kings and make a run for the car (which was parked a few blocks away). This all took place at around 2:40 am and Pizza King closes at 3:00 am, but of course we had no ability to read time at this particular moment. We were looking for the kill, and were minutes away from a cheesy platter of goodness.

The waitress asked us if we wanted any appetizers or anything, and without hesitation we ordered everything. So after eating and stuffing ourselves full, we encountered a major dilemma. The waitress came to the front of the restaurant and locked the front door. This was a major problem because this was our only exit. To make matters worse the police had a car pulled over across the street from the restaurant. With no money and no escape plan and with the cops across the street, we were forced to go with plan B. So we decided that the fire exit was our only choice. Should we run for it?

Seconds later, Dave and I ran through the fire exit like we were running through the final event of American Gladiators! As we exited the building the alarm was sounding and the cook almost intercepted us, but we reacted with cat-like reflexes and shook him off like a defensive back chasing Barry Sanders. Behind the Pizza King was a huge stadium parking lot that was at least a thousand yards long and was wide open. Not the place you want to run if you’re trying to hide from the police! Dave ran right through it and I was forced to run with him because I knew if he got caught, then I would get caught.

After about a thousand yards the police had left the scene of the routine traffic stop and began pursuing us. This was like running long distance sprints without a track and field background, so we were completely gassed. We finally made it across the concrete jungle and into the forest. That’s when Barney five decided to drive his police car through the wooded area. Unfortunately for us, this vehicle just happened to be the K-9 unit and his puppy couldn’t wait to play. After threatening to release the hound we decided that we had to stop.

At this time we were both underage and the police made us both take breathalyzers. They asked us if we had been drinking and we both admitted to drinking a couple drinks. I told the police that we were idiots and realized after ordering all that food that we didn’t have the money to pay for it. So like typical police they decided to entertain themselves. They told me I had to beat them back to the Pizza King on foot or they were going to take us to jail.

This was a do or die situation and the lactic acid build up in my muscle tissue was causing severe fatigue. To make matters worse I couldn’t get enough oxygen and the police were on my tail, again. The last one-hundred yards, I ran with a swim move like motion in attempt to move air past my body in order to propel myself to the finish line. As the police were closing in, I made it to the front door where this adventure had all begun. My friend was lucky enough to get a free ride.

Finally, after talking to the manager (the cook) and apologizing for the nasty juke I gave him moments earlier, the police decided to let us go if we agreed to pay Pizza King back the following day. We did just that and left the Pizza King the way we arrived, free.

Bill Hustle