Random Thoughts:

I’ve found myself, at times, lost in thought. I’ll be doing something and just… sort…of…drift off. Sue thinks it’s early Alzheimer’s. I think its it’s my brains defense mechanism against spouses who tease.

Either way, I’ve noticed that I have a somewhat different take on things.

Other people will look at something one way, the way it’s meant. I’ll on the other hand sort of twist it.

Personally, I like my way more. So I thought, “Hey! Why not write some down ? ” So here goes.

- I was listening to the radio show “Bob and Tom” the other day. They had a comedian on who was a pilot. Now, to me, that’s a bad combination. Picture this if you will.

30,000 feet up and cruising along. Suddenly, there’s turbulence! Then a voice comes over the speaker.

“Hello, this is the Captain. I suppose that by now most of have noticed the turbulence. We’d like to apololgize for any inconvenience and were wondering if any of the passengers happened to be carrying any duct tape on the flight. If so, then please pass it to your stewardess and she’ll… uh…she’ll um… hold on.”

Then in a whispered hiss everyone hears, ” Dammit Earl, please tell me that wasn’t what I think it was that just fell off the wing. It was?!? Oh for the love of… Now look I don’t care if you are 82 years old, it’s your responsibility to.. what? Exscuse me?

Now look Earl, it’s your job to notice these things BEFORE we get to this point. What? What point !?

Earl, we have gone BEYOND needing duct tape. And no, I don’t care that your a year from retirement.

This is all your fault and you’ll just have to suck it up and pedal faster. Just get us back up to cruising speed damnit!”

“Ok folks, sorry, I’m back. Um, for all of you over the age of 21, the stewardesses will now be giving out complimentary shots of your favorite choice of liquor. Thank you.”

- Bad Joke of the Day

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey fella, why the long face?”

- Best Quote of the Day

I was waiting for my truck to be loaded this morning and I had the chance to talk with the other driver from the company. We were discussing the different customers and their oddities. I was talking about one older lady who is as wide as she is tall and not playing with a full deck. Suddenly, he looks at me and goes, “Oh, I know EXACTLY who you’re talking about! I cringe when I see her on my route.”

Then, he said it… ” She’s crazier than a shit house rat!”

I want that tattooed on my body somewhere.

- I passed a store. There was a sign in the window. The sign said, “Open Sunday thru Saturday for your convenience”. In other words, THEY NEVER CLOSE !! Morons.

- I’m standing behind my truck. I happen to notice there’s warning stickers on the bottom of the door. There’s a little stick figure who is being crushed by the door. The warning says, “Do Not Stand in Doors Path While Closing. Serious Injury May Occur”

I’m left thinking, “Really? Damn. That God Mr. stick figure told me!

- Kids

Sarah looks at me and says, “Daddy, my butt’s hungry.” I looked at her and replied, “Your butt’s hungry?”

She goes, “Yeah, it keeps burping”.

- Labradors are Loyal

I keep hearing this from people. We have a puppy named “Hershey”. She is a chocolate lab. She has a bladder the size of an elephant and the self control control of my three year old.

I’ve asked many people if they know of any “tricks” to help house break lab puppies. They all oooh and aaaah over the fact that she’s a “chocolate lab”. AND they all say ” Well,labs are a little slow in the uptake BUT, the are THE MOST LOYAL DOG you can find !”

I’m thinking to myself,” Ya know, if I decide to throw myself into a volcano or leap into shark infested waters, I’ll be sure to bring along the damn dog. “

She needs bladder control… not loyalty.

- Dumb names of Mom and Pop stores.

I’ve passed through a lot of towns with a lot of small family stores. The owners want business. The business brings in money. The money pays their bills, living expenses etc. So, they think up names that will attract customers. Here’s some of the better ones.

~ “Curl Up and Dye” – a hair salon

~ “Ed’s Hot Weiners” – fast food joint

~ “Got The Trots Horse Farm” – self explanatory

~ “The Bearded Clam” – believe it or not, a very very small strip joint.

~ “Johnson and Son Funeral Home and Furniture Store” – honest to God, I’m not lying about this one!

~ “Crapo Insurance Agency” – again, you can’t make this stuff up. Thank God they’re not Latino or it would be El Crapo.

- Handy Manny

My daughter, Sarah, LOVES this animated kids show. A latino handyman and his talking tools go all over town fixing things. I had talking tools once, in high school. Then the stuff I smoked wore off.

- Nap Times

When you’re young, you hate them but need them. Then you get older. At this point you like them, need them but, don’t have time for them. Finally, you reach an age where you can’t avoid them and keep waking up from one.

-Toilets, Toys and the Children who like Them

Like ghosts and bigfoot, I know there’s a toy magnet installed somewhere in every toilet made. I just can’t prove it.

- People Who Try Beyond Their Abilities

These are my favorite. There’s always a person or group of people who decide they are going to start doing or making “something”. This “something” could be anything. A shop, a rock group or even building hang- gliders.

Whatever. The point being, is that people need to realize and stop at their limits. I passed a small farm that had a hand painted sign, out by the roadside to attract customers. The sign said “Pasturd Poultry”.

That’s when I alsmost hit a telephone pole, I was laughing so hard. “Pasturd Poultry” ?

I think they meant to write “Pastured Poultry” aka. free range chickens.

Instead, I got this mental image of two bumpkins, sitting in their beat up old truck, trying to decide what do do for fun.

Bumpkin #1 – “Hey Bubba, ya wanna go muddin’ ?”

Bumpkin #2- “Naw, we did that yesterday. Cow tipping?”

#1 – “I don’t know bout that. Ol’ Sherrif Sludge said he’d toss us in the hoozegow if he caught us tippin again.”

#2 – “Weeelll, what then?”

#1 – ” Hey, I know! Ya ever crapped on a turkey before ?”

#2 – “Crapped on a… huh?”

#1 – “Well yeah, ya dummy! Over at pass-uh-turd poultry farm.”

- Porta-Potty Names

These are some of my favorites. there’s “Spot a Pot”, “Pot’s on the Go”, “The Sport Box” (seen at some sports fields), and “Daddy, it smells funny in here” ( sorry, my bad).

- Road Signs

There’s one in particular that’s my favorite. It’s the ” Dip 50ft.” sign. Before my mother died, she dared me to stand 50 ft. past one of those signs and wave at the passing cars. Sort of a social experiment to see who actually got it. To this day I haven’t done it. Yet.

Anywhooo, there’s lots more but, I’m tired, cranky and I need my nap.

Drew “The Funny Man” Kinslow