Well, since there has been a lot of hype from “What About Bob,” it has been brought to my attention that I now don’t know jack about Jack. You mean the world famous Jack Nicholson, huh? What do you mean I don’t know jack about Jack? What are you trying to insinuate? The truth is, you don’t know Jack either. We all know he so shines. Did you know that in 1870, the donkey represented the democratic party? What, I am a “jack-ass”? Well, make a movie out of that, would ya? Entitle it “Jackass, the Movie.” Here is what I know about Jack;

Who can forget about one of the most famous Jacks of all time? Dr. Jack. Dr. Death, some refer to him as. When one was suffering a horrible fate, he would come to their emotional rescue by putting them out of their misery. There are lots of Jackals out there that need that anyway. But, they are not hustlers like I am. Me, I’m just sick and wrong with a perverted mind.

And I bet you young russler hustlers were unaware that the other world-wide famous Jack Nicklaus belonged to “The Golf Club of Swingers.” Yeah, par for his course. He sure had that mastered.

Last week, I was jacking around with someone at my other job. Hey, a hustler needs money to keep hustlin, but anyway, this person named Jack, of all names (imagine that), was up working on his roof when his ladder fell and he was stuck up there with no way to get down by himself. I came to his rescue, retrieved his ladder and helped Jack off the roof. You can’t get shingles that way.

Now, in the winter time, this man, Dick, never wears enough clothing to stay warm according to his wife of not very long. Well, this being an extraordinarily cold/snowy winter, Dick went out to make “yellow” snow by thinking if dogs can do it, why can’t he follow suit. Well, all the beer drinking he did over the day made for a longer than usually pee session. The next thing his wife knew, Dick had Jack Frost. She was wondering where he found Jack because she never realized he swung that way, but he explained to her Jack was his bird watching buddy. They always enjoyed watching these black and grey crow-like birds called Jack Daws. I bet Jack “daws” it all the time.

See, Jack was short changed in his rearing up days. And since he was not as tall as most others, every time he would go horse back riding, he would don a step stool to help him mount the horse. But, when it came time for him to dis-mount, two of us would always have to help Jack off the horse. No animals were harmed in this process.

Another example of Jack is a pallet jack. Now, everybody knows what one looks like. But, at my day job, (I’m a hustler by night) we always had 6 pallet jacks. One came up missing and now we are one-jack-off. And you don’t believe I know anything about Jack. Huh!

People call me a jack-of-all-trades saying I can do lots of things with my hands and I can. I used to sail the seven seas with a sailor called Jacktar. He was a little tutee fruity to the point when he got frustrated; he wanted to be alone saying he had to take care of business in his cabin using his “Jack hammer.” I told him to just beat it and he did. He went away sporting his heavy military boots he called Jackboots.

I also know more about Jack. When I was a kid, I used to play Jack’s favorite game called Jacks, of all things. Boy, I’ll tell you what, when he played that game I swear he was all Jacked-up. That’s when he owned a restaurant and when you came in to eat flapjacks, it was the only place that would take your hat and jacket off. Now that’s what I call service. You can’t beat that with a stick. You will never find this kind of fun or entertainment in a box of Crackerjack, not even with a Jackstraw game. You think I have hit the jack pot yet, or do you need a Jack-O-Lantern to see the light? Well, Jack’s off today.

Here’s something I always like doing. I take a toy semi-truck, because a real one is too big, take my jack-knife and set it on top of the truck. Then I go, “look everybody, a Jack-knifed semi.” Now I know why I am sometimes referred to as a Jack-ass. See, I do know a little about Jack after all.

I’m not trying to play dumb or stupid though. But I am a little confused as to why people say my Jack Russell Terrier, seems smarter than me. It just seems that way since I breed like a horny Jack rabbit in heat and do it doggie style. I guess I am an animal in certain ways but at least I don’t Jack around by barking up the wrong Jacaranda trees.

Now, do you think I hit the Jack pot with Jack? Did I miss anyone, Or am I still one Jack off? It could be worse. I could go on a flight, see my friend, Jack, and yell out to him in mid-flight, “hi Jack.”
Not a good idea. Well, I have a flat tire so I need to go jack up my car, then I am headed out west to vacation and dine at the Jack in the Box.

OMG, This just in. Jack and his mistress, Jill, shh don’t tell Mrs. Jack, she’ll go off on him, were returning from the liquor store earlier. On the way back, Jack tripped, fell down the hill and broke his Crown Royal. Now, he can’t get drunk. He’ll just have to sit around listening to Billy Joel’s “Captain Jack” or play poker and hope for his lucky Jack of Hearts to win the over the hustlers.

Well, I am off to go visit Jack in his bean stalk and watch re-runs of Jack Tripper in “Three’s Company.” But when I get bored with Jack and Larry hitting the Regal Beagle, I guess I will tune in and turn on “Jack Hannah”s Animal Adventures,” which this week features “Kangaroo Jack.”

Hey, you think Jack Hannah likes Jack and coke? And if he does, and cops a buzz, do you suppose he starts singing the Rolling Stones “Jumping Jack Flash?” And if he does get a little liquored up, and if Jack Lord was still alive and kicking from “Hawaii Five-O”, he’d say “book’em Danno,” because he was all ‘Jacked’ up? We’ll never know until the next time. And you think I don’t know Jack. Well, let me tell you if I don’t know Jack after all this, over eleven hundred words later, I’m sure Jackie Chan does. Oh, it’s not easy being a hustler, but I deal with it.

by Hustlin Bob Higgins