Guess what? Jack’s back, after recovering from his tumble down the hill and has since relocated to Jacksonville, Fla. He’s a Jaguar fan, plus he really felt embarrassed from his hill spill with Jill. And I am here to tell you again, I still know a little about Mr. Billy Jack. You might get a kick out of this.

Jack drove down to Florida in his new-to-him car he purchased from some hill Jack. On the way down south, his car broke down, again for the third time, and as he was starting to seek some assistance, he was nearly car jacked. Well, he kept thinking, as he beat off the would-be-thief single handily, why in the world would anyone want a Jack Lemon of a car? Of course, Jack was still hitting the Jack and coke pretty strong and was buzzing more than hundreds of horny honey bees swarming around a queen bee in heat.

This reminds of a joke I thought up a while back. What does a bee do with his stinger at night? Sticks in his honey. Oh, boy, I think I’m starting to cop a buzz on this Jack and coke my damn self. I think I better have them hold the coke next time.

This car gave him more problems than an elephant with sinus trouble would have. Anyway, all problems were resolved and Jack was off again. But, it was getting past Jack’s bedtime so he pulled into the Jack Johnson Motor Inn. He really enjoys Jack Johnson music so he was all set, right? Not so fast. He went three doors down to a Karaoke bar. Low and behold Jack couldn’t believe his ears (neither could the field of corn, but that’s a different story for another time). He had walked right smack dab into a Jackson Five song. So Jack thought what the hell, “I’ll try it my damn self and see if I can sing a Michael Jackson tune.”

He was just barely into “Billie Jean”, but not sexually because I know how you hustlers think. With your little heads instead of your big ones. No he was just starting the first notes when some Hulk of a Lumber Jack told him he sucked and to beat it. Well, Jack taking things seriously, stepped into the restroom to obey the command when Mr. Lumber Jack explained his action more clearly. See, he meant for Jack to scram, beat it. Not to literally ‘beat it’. That would be gay.

And you still think I don’t know jack about Jack. I still beg to differ. And here’s why. After Jack went back to his Jack Johnson Motor Inn, he thought he’d go for a follow up visit for his crown that broke when he took the Nest-tea plunge a week earlier. So, as he turned on the TV, he happened to see Jack Klugman’s Quincy was playing. It was then Jack thought of an old doctor friend, Jack Shephard ( who makes delicious Shepard Pies-alamode), that he used to go to who purposely went down to get ‘lost’ somewhere in the state.

Something Jack forgot about though, was tax time was approaching faster than a Jack rabbit can breed. So he looked up people who do taxes and he went to Jackson Hewitt. Two weeks later, Jack received a handsome refund in his hooker account. To celebrate, he went to his favorite pizza parlor, Jacks Pizza, but still wished he was back in Wilmington, Delaware because he always loved doing his bar exam at “Famous Jack’s Tavern”.

He loved going to that tavern so much that every-time he saw Jack LaLanne’s juice infomercials, he always felt guilty. Here he is young and fat, there the other Jack is (was, now) old and built like Action Jackson and stronger than Ajax.

Jack was a gadget creep. He had a Majic Jack pluged into his cigarette lighter in his car and an I-pod playing two of his favorite John Mellencamp songs “Jack and Diane” and “Jackie Brown”. He even had Jackson Brown tunes going on. Now, about Jackson Brown, he really isn’t brown. He’s white. Just like Jack being black. He is not. Jack is white. So, should it be Jack White instead of Jack Black? A common mistake on such a fine actor. Go back, Jack, do it again.

But, Jack is getting tired and wanted to head back to his room in time for the Jack Benny and Jack Parr reruns. The Super Bowl is around the corner and he wants to get plenty of rest to get prepared for the big game and hear Jack Traudeu’s commentary. Hell, Jack just wants to party with Jack. He knows how to throw a party and has the good Jack Daniels. He loves to get off on Jack. In fact, when those two get together, drink their Jack and coke and eat chili made with Mexican jumping beans, they turn into Jumping Jacks.

But Jack’s a busy person (will the real Jack please be seated) and sometimes one beer short of a six-pack, works a hectic schedule, but most of the time, Jack’s off his rocker. Gee, I hope he doesn’t get splinters. See, what you don’t know or didn’t know, Hustlin Pinocchio found out he was made from wood the hard way. His right hand caught fire.

And you dare to call Hustlin Higgins out by announcing he doesn’t know jack about Jack. Well, I hope this convinces you that I do know jack shit about Jack. Jack would make for a great before and after puzzle on Wheel of Fortune. “Yukon Jack Black”. Well, I am now heading to Wal-mart to pick up some Jack Link’s. A beef jerky that is finer than frogs hair. Jack likes his beef to be jerked.And do you know what happens when you cross a car jack with a donkey? You get a Jack Ass. Jackie Onasis would like that one. And as for Jacqueline Bisset swimming in “The Deep”, her stardom took off like a “Bullit.”

By Hustlin Bob Higgins