Just give me five minutes and I’ll explain my fives to you. Like Barney Fifve told Otis when he was growing pot (No he didn’t…yes he did), “nip it in the bud.” High five for that one. You see, Otis was always liquored up and when it was time for him to wake up in the famous jail cell, he always asked Barney for just 5 more minutes of sleep. He enjoyed counting those Sheep. The average extra amount required by most.

Otis always enjoyed a fifth of whatever was available at the time. To him, it was the fifth element. It’s a lot like a hustler in many ways too. “Baby, give me five seconds and I’ll be done.” So, on that note, let me explore some names including animal and bird names with just 5 letters in them and see where it goes.

But we don’t have five fingers and five toes, much to the contrary. Nope! We have 8 fingers and 2 thumbs and 10 toes. If you stub them tooties, that is a lot money in toe truck charges.

Follow along closely for I am not going to Steer you short of any cars either. I will be as Acura as possible. It’s like when you attend those auto shows and all the hot, hustlin babes are showing off their stuff (another 5 letter word). The next thing you know, you look down below and see their Camel toe. Some of these babes you can refer to as Vixens. Just like The Jackson Five or Five For Fighting would prefer.

And going back to Otis, why did he never attend the Koala center? Maybe he couldn’t bear that or maybe his and Barney were due for another game of “Five Card Stud” and singing Dean Martin’s version of it… And how about Miss Kitty? She was always buying Mathew a drink and he was on the clock. Is that legal? Are you following along still? Ok, jump in your Chevy and come with me. I’ll hop on my Playboy Bunny and see what the Stork has to drop off. Trust me, I will not Horse around.

And speaking of horsing around, you think, perhaps, a Zebra came from prison? Look at them. Do Black and White stripes covering them tell you anything? Ok then, what’s up with a Tiger? They have orange and black stripes. What does that represent? Are they from the jungle hood? Remember Napoleon Dynamite? His favorite animal was a cross between a lion and tiger called a Liger. What was he smoking and not sharing?

Maybe it’s operation Cobra just like “GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra.” Here’s something that can be taken two different ways. Why would women take a Moose and put it in their hair? They are always weight conscience so don’t you think that big ass animal that is just as big as a Bison, weigh them down even more? And how in the world can you even pick that two ton animal up? That is a lot of Moose head.

Then what if you got goosed by Geese? That laughing Hyena would have a hey day. And onto another subject. How does a mouse become our computer’s best friend? And we even give them a home to live in. Yeah we call it a mouse pad. And we don’t even have to go outside to get one anymore or even at the pet store.

The truth is we just have to go to a computer store and they are just sitting there on the shelf anxiously awaiting our arrival. We grab their backs and roll them on their bellies in order to make them work. Funny how that works. And we don’t even have to feed them any cheese. They get it on their own, or at least some do. You see, mice are smarter than some think because the early bird might get the worm, but it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese from the trap.

I told you just give me 5 minutes and I can put together some weird stuff. It’s like week when I was at a construction site. The foreman asked me if I could go fetch him a crane so he can expedite his job. Being the hustler I am, I followed directions and went to bring one back to him. But it flew away before I got it all the way back. He meant a construction crane. Not a bird Crane. Damn, I never made the connection.

by Hustlin Bob Higgins