This is kind of a follow up to my Funny Expressions postings from last year. So back, by popular demand, is a story about, this time, famous Johns. And you surely have to know something about famous Johns. Hey, you can’t hustle a hustler. So let be bring to your attention, the saga of some famous Hustlin’ Johns.

Well, summer is here and darn near over and just as Jack was making plans for end of summer celebrations, his cousins made an unexpected visit. First of all, let me give you a heads up about these fellows. Their names are John. That’s right, Jack has long lost cousins and what a party it turned out to be.

It all started during a Bible study about his great, great, much talked about ancient, distant Grandfather, John the Baptist, who lost his head to another. What a way to go. Remember him from the Biblical days? But during closing arguments as to just how distant John was to Jack, his family of cousins wanted to know why all them there Johns are constantly scrutinized.

See, Jack has more cousin Johns than a centipede has feet. I say this because they somehow got on the subject of what some of the Johns did for a living. So they got on the subject of John Holmes (my one-time competitor) and how “long” he was “into” his work. He replied as long as his other cousin Long John Silver has been into fishing. Of course Mr. Holmes (his most famous family “member”) had something to add to that saying he knows what it’s like to screw around at a job, with benefits, and still get his daily dose of fish. I wonder if it’s tuna or trout? YUCK!

Well, that side tracked him and got him talking about Johnny mop who’s mind was always in the toilet. Hell, every time he and the others were playing poker, he always came up with a royal flush. “Lucky you” said another famous John. I will not mention any last names but this John told the other John that he and John Holmes had two things in common. First, they always got the chick, and second they had the same first name. Well, duh! But this John was different, he was always picking up women off the streets. He would hit ‘em and quit ‘em.

His other kissin’ cousin, Johnny Knoxville, said he was always referred to as a Jack-Ass cause he was always knocking up these babes in his car, then hitting the bar. He said that’s how he acquired his last name. Then after a few beers, this Johnny would go use the John. Well, that cousin John didn’t like being used as a commode so he invited the other John (aka Little John) to the other cousins’ eatery, Johnny Rockets, and they played with Rocket’s meat which resulted in a food fight.

While they were there, they started talking about Johnny Cash’s best buddy, Johnny Paycheck. Both were broke, so in order to pay for the food fight, cause Johnny Rocket was pissed, they had to resort back to the other John’s Hooker fund. Well that stated a verbal argument with his cartoonist character of a cousin, Jonny Quest. It ended quickly when all involved acted like a bandit and raced out of there with Little John hoppin’ behind.

By the way, you might be wondering as to how Little John is named that? While using the John (sorry John, he hates being used, especially when others are a in a crappy mood) he was spied upon by John Lennon who starting singing “Imagine”. John is big on imagination but little with actuality. I think maybe one is gay after I overheard one John say to the other Jon, “Hey, Hey, Johnny, can’t you come out to play with my Johnsonville Brats”? I’m not saying which one though. To be continued…

by Hustlin Bob Higgins